


Troika

by glitterandlube



Series: Troika [1]
Category: DC Comics
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-06
Updated: 2010-08-06
Packaged: 2017-10-10 23:35:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/105678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterandlube/pseuds/glitterandlube





	1. Chapter 1

Kon manages to spend six months on the farm in Smallville before he starts to think drowning himself in the ocean has more appeal. So he goes to look for option _Kon-el makes a fucking living that doesn't involve whoring._ [That's back up plan C.] He tries a few meaningless wage slave jobs, but he's either too young looking or he gets fired all the time because he's always late saving someone from a monster, a runaway car, train, truck, fire, life. There is also the incident with the fire hose, and those three cats, but Kon has struck it from his memory and told no one. Which means Tim still knows.

Eventually, exhausted, and thinking seriously about plan C, [How much would people pay for a super blowjob anyway? A lot, Kon is pretty sure. Hell, Tim would probably rob a bank for it] he rescues a Fed-Ex guy from a mutant dog and a light bulb goes off. He can do that, he doesn't even need the damn truck, he can deliver stuff in five minutes all by himself. To Japan. He doesn't immediately suggest it to Tim, because he needs to think it out before it gets shot down. He stumbles across this Japanese guy who runs a specialized shipping company, and they get to talking while waiting for an ambulance, and the guy gives him a card right before he passes out.

Kon calls him a week later. Bart is on board with the plan where they drop shit off, and get the monies. Kon isn't sure how on board Bart is with the part about getting to places with the shit intact and ending up in the right place, but they can work on that. The guy's name is Katsu Yamada, and it actually works out. He charges what Kon thinks is a ridiculous amount until he sees what companies normally charge to send things overseas, and Bart manages not to fuck up, and they end up with a decent monthly salary, and a housing allowance, and all kind of crazy bullshit since they don't need like, health care or retirement plans. Heh.

After two months of flying all the place, doing farm chores, the Titans, and Superboy solo work, while Tim quits, and Kon sleeps through all his classes, he has first, last, and security. Good-bye Smallville, hello, Three Bedroom, Two Bathroom, Gotham 2 grand a month apartment that he and Bart move into in one weekend, rounding out that Sunday night by eating 10 cartons of ice cream and laughing their asses off now that they are now free men. And making bets on when Batman is going to come and kick their asses.

The apartment is rented under their bosses' name and his info. is on all the utilities, so no one really knows that Conner Kent and Bart Allen even live here exactly, and their boss doesn't know their real names so...legit city. The job is actually a really good idea, it gives them time to be superheroes, and they don't smuggle anything illegal, and Kon helps a lot of people get money back to their families in crazy ass places they can only find with GPS and careful coordinate searches, so it's actually a good thing. He's kind of gobsmacked something actually worked out well.

Tim shows up the next day with a book-bag and more fury than Kon has personally seen in a human being of any kind, and he slams the door to the third room for the night. Bart keeps asking if they can check on him, and Kon keeps waiting for something to blow up but...nothing. No one comes to check on them even. Not Superman. Not Batman. Not Tim's dad, whoever the fuck that might be. The next morning Kon tries to decide if enrolling to school is a concern, but rolls over back to sleep, because really, sleep is important, and more free time to jerk off is a priority for everyone. Tim will make him go to school if it turns out to actually be important to his life.

Bart gets mugged the next day when he's coming back, and it's actually kind of hilarious. He's all excited about the crime rates, and babbling about city regions, and poverty structures, and Kon voices the opinion that books are evil, which earns him many, many sad faces and suggestions that he's brain dead. Kon points to his dick, and answers, "Brain is fine and ready for action 24 hours a day." Tim makes a horrified face that Kon translates to mean, _Why the hell am I attracted to this guy? Oh right, he's **hot**_. Kon has always admired Tim's ability to speak complete sentences with a lip twitch. Then Tim gets a look at Kon's 'Swallow or it's Going in your Eye' shirt and Kon gets told he has to enroll in school or face the Wrath of Robin. Kon offers to make a video of himself masturbating for Tim's careful perusal instead, but Tim does not find this offer funny in any way and apparently still has a stash of Kryptonite available to him.

[If anyone ever ever ever gets that shit near his cock again, that person is DYING. HORRIBLY.]

High School in Gotham is so much easier for Conner Kent, and his now much cooler glasses. Plus people deal drugs in the hallways, a source of amusement for Kon. He also thinks the thugs with the huge puffy jackets that smell of weed from across the _goddamn state_ when they unzip the pockets are a thing of entertainment. The guns, blood, and general horror are not funny, but Kon can toss these fuckers with no guilt at all. Batman shows up when Kon is on the roof of Wayne Tower, straining to figure out where he's hearing a little girl cry from, and Robin is there a second later.

Kon has never heard Tim use that tone of voice, not even on Darkseid, and he can almost see the Bat spreading its wings behind Tim's pissed off form. Anger is a good look on his best friend, it speaks to Kon's body in interesting ways. Batman turns to Kon, who smiles that grin that pisses off everyone, and points to the S on his chest. Clone or not, he's got the bonafides to be crime fighting with the best of them. This city could use some metas to clear it out, and they aren't leaving now. Kon's not moving that poster of Wonder Woman's tits one more fucking time. He's home now, and that means something it never has before, not in Hawaii, not in Metropolis, not in Smallville, his family now is the one he choose, and he'll be damned if he loses it.

Tim wins the fight. Kon and Bart agree not to interfere with Batman's great and glorious plan to drive the city to ruin [as far as Kon can see of how the plan appears to be working. At least Metropolis shines in the sun, not that Kon's going back there anytime soon.] Superman comes by to lurk uncomfortably, and Kon awkwardly tries to say, thanks but no thanks, so Tim takes over to say, hi, thanks ever so much for stopping by, we all love to see you, but if you so much as touch Kon-el, I'll break your face. [Kon buys a ring after that little talk. It's not fancy or anything, but he's fucking marrying Tim. He knows it will happen, he'll wait, Cassie is awesome, and they're cool, and Tim is pretending to be straight right now, but Kon has a plan, motherfucker, and he can make plans work for him now.]

Kon's costume fits in well in Gotham. The losers can barely see him coming down from the sky with their names on the soles of his boots. He actually starts to pay attention to his surroundings now, too. He learns things about the Japanese because most of his packages go there. How to greet people, how insular they are, how fucked up and crazy they are about porn, how Bart laughs until he cries at tentacle porn.

Kon tosses an octopus at him while they are in a toy store a week later, and they get kicked out because Bart literally can't stop rolling around on the floor. The hentai scares him, and the used school girl panty vending machines worry him, but the beer machines are the highlight of the actual planet. He goes to villages and towns, cities, and Antarctica to deliver things to people who are almost always happy to see him, and not cowering in the streets like his other job.

It's nice. He breathes easy sometimes, and then knocks on every wood object in a three mile radius. His plan with Tim is moving along nicely. He gets his hand up Tim's shirt, and Tim doesn't put a fucking shuriken in his eye, so Kon surprises him with lunch at Nobu [New York], and offers of various other hands in places ideas. Watching Tim orgasm on his bed, eyes shut, mouth open, legs spread, definitely ranks up there on Kon's lists of life's pleasures, and the fact that he gets to see it two more times that night just means the world is going to end soon, but who.gives.a.shit.

Bart puts rainbow stickers all over Kon's door. Rainbows, puppies, bears, butterflies, [DNA](http://gaystickers.com/itsinthegenessticker.jpg). A guy named Jack Drake shows up to ruin Kon's bliss with his insistence that Tim stop his little rebellion and come live in his house like a real boy. Tim responds by sliding his way up Kon and kissing him while his dad stands in the doorway, gaping. Bart smirks on the couch, and Kon wonders what he did to his friends, and how the hell he can do it some more. Then a gang war breaks out, and they are all too busy fighting to care about anything else. [Somehow Tim's dad leaves Gotham behind. Kon has no idea why. Really. Okay, maybe he and Kon had a small talk. About life and the universe, and possibly there were words like defenestration used.]

Bart has a new uniform, one that is muted, and looks blood soaked in the dark alleys he streams through. Kon has changed out for long sleeves, but he's still in black and blue, his hair and eyes gleaming the same colors, as they run through the gangs fighting over the turf of men richer than them. Robin flips down into the crowd, and his smile is real, fierce, and alive. The three of them clear out a radius around their place with ease, but the rest of the city is fucked. When they find out Spoiler set it off trying to get back in with Batman, Tim shoves Kon almost through the wall trying to get in his pants. They fuck with Tim's anger, guilt, and horror riding through them, moving their hips, and fueling their desperate thrusts. Bart sleeps in their room now. They've added three more locks to the front door, and Kon isn't Super asleep, but Tim and Bart cling to him anyway.

Spoiler ends up with a drill in her face, and Kon finds her when no one else can. Cass is right behind him, and he sees on her face what he sees in Tim's at night, when he puts on his mask, and steps into the shoes of the two before him. Three now, and himself even. It's a little confusing to think about, the legacies that follow all of them around except the girl in purple he's carrying to the hospital right now. The only legacy she is going to have is going to be all the violence in the streets if Kon doesn't save her. Somehow Cass gets him to the right place, and Batman shows up, and...things stop. She dies, and Tim puts a hole through their wall. He looks at Kon and Bart offering anything they have to him, and he takes it. From both of them.

Kon wakes up to see Nightwing in their apartment, passed out on the couch, and Batgirl in the shower, while Tim cries silently on the floor in the kitchen. Kon takes him back to their bed, back to their little section of the world, and keeps him there for as long as he can. When Black Mask shatters his way into Oracle's sanctuary, that's the last straw for keeping Tim reigned in anywhere. He ignores Batman, and everyone else, brings his Titans together, and they use one of Batman's more obscure plans to smack down half the city.

They sit at the kitchen table afterwards, a little stunned. They saved a lot of people, but 18 police officers died in the park alone and the hospitals are filled with the bleeding and the dead. In the end, Wonder Woman, and Superman joined in, and that's probably the only reason Black Mask is dead, and the city hasn't burned to the ground. [Kon will never forget looking up over the crowd to see Wonder Woman flying over the melee, hair streaming, vambraces flashing in the sun as she smashed them together and the force wave took out part of a listing building, stunning the shit out of the hard core gangsters. He is a little surprised they didn't fall to their knees. He's pretty sure at least one of them had an orgasm, and that's going to ruin his sleep for at least a day.]

Robin and Batman have another fight about Gotham, and how it is Batman's city, and how Metas are forbidden, and all Tim says is, "Steph," and he leaves as Bruce's fury abates. It's not like they throw in it his face later. Catwoman comes by later to thank them all for keeping the East End from cracking up, and she leaves them a tiny kitten that makes Tim smile for the first time in weeks. Bart names it Merlin the Magician in honor, and starts making noises about getting a dog, but Kon still hasn't forgiven Clark for Krypto and vetoes the discussion until Merlin is of a less eatable size.

Going back to work is freaky for both of them, walking through normal neighborhoods where no one is trying to shoot you can throw a Hero off sometimes. Oracle leaves Gotham, and Tim hooks up with his personal hero that isn't Dick and his fine ass, who turns out to be a bug guy, Blue Beetle, with a BFF named Booster Gold, who annoys the living shit out of Superman, so he's already Kon's favorite person. They turn out to be _hilarious_ and Kon starts thinking they might need a bigger place with a guest room or something, since Cass appears to have moved in when no one was looking and all these other people drift by a lot. Cass is sleeping in the room Tim would be sleeping in if he wasn't sleeping in Kon's room with him and Bart, and the other people crash in what is no longer Bart's room. Okay, maybe they don't need a guest room.

Tim gets an e-mail indicating Kon is a danger to the world at large, to which Bart replies, 'mostly a danger to people's virginity and really, I think that's more of a gift to the world.' The next e-mail is a little more specific, and Tim spends the next 24 hours frantically trying to scan the hell out of Kon for a bomb or something, while running a million DNA tests. The end result is Kon has two daddies, and is feeling a serious need for some back child support payments. Also, he has something on his brain that may or may not indicate a possible chance for mind control. Luckily, the AI at the fortress neutralizes it and Kon continues to have his mind controlled the old fashioned way i.e. by any chance at all that he could have sex.

Lex Luthor shows up their place, smiling pleasantly, and occasionally lapsing into Latin. Tim shuts the door in his face before Bart opens it to say thank you for that whole creating our boyfriend thing, that was awesome of you. Lex shoves his way inside, and Kon has a slight freak out that being in the same room with his evil dad will turn him into mirror universe Kon, with a goatee, and an urge to maim puppies, but he gets distracted by the idea of Tim dressing up like Spock, and doing a little mind melding, and when he actually starts paying attention to Lex again, he just isn't that worried anymore. His boys will watch out for him. [Tim is dressing like Spock for Halloween. Kon has this plan. Bart can be McCoy. Kon is Kirk, duh.]

End Part One


	2. Troika, Part Two: The Search for Porn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Triads are awesome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: If you see any words that you don't understand, that's Kryptonian that I stole from a conlang site. Ukr = Father, Ao|nah = Son
> 
> Beta: oneangrykate. She was nice enough to look it over _twice_ and make lots of helpful comments. Thank you so so much Kate. Feel better. MM looked it over and said it didn't suck, and encourages me to continue writing DCU stuff. Thanks!
> 
> Warning: I bitch about Steph in here and talk smack about Lois because that's my hobby when I'm not insulting Hal Jordan.

Kon and Lex reach an accordance. Kon will not be going evil, and Lex will cease all attempts to cause him to go evil, or he will be banned from participation in Kon's life. He will also cease attempts to kill Kon's other parent as this is not helpful to Kon's development as a person even if Clark really, really deserves it. Even if Lex has multiple charts that show why Clark really deserves it. Bart and Tim are really entertained by the presentation of said charts. Especially the one listing reasons why the Superman uniform alone makes him worthy of execution. Kon points to both of their costumes in their closet and says, "Neither of you guys have room to talk."

Tim says, "At least we have real costumes."

"You clash with yourself! Real costume my ass."

Tim rolls his eyes. "The new one is almost done. Dick is still messing with it."

"It's awesome that your brother really wanted to be a fashion designer."

"I think he mostly wanted an excuse to grope me a lot."

Kon says, "Hey! That's my job!" as Bart adds, "Also mine, but that's okay."

"Plus, I can't help but notice that you guys mocking my super-hero uniform doesn't stop you from stealing 7,000 of my shirts."

Tim says, "I don't know what you're talking about, Conner."

"You're wearing one right now!"

"I got this at a street vendor."

"Stop lying with a straight face! I wrote Kon-el on all the tags!"

Bart reaches over to Tim at speed, rips the tag off the shirt, and tosses into the trash, and comes back to say, "Look at that, this shirt doesn't have any tags."

Kon yells, "First of all! I can see you doing that you freak! Secondly, if it's good enough for Jay Garrick, it's good enough for me."

Bart says, "Shut up. You suck. Uncle Jay is awesome and _has a hat_ to tie his uniform together!"

"I'm pretty sure this is the dumbest conversation we've ever had, and that's saying something." Kon replies, before attempting to wrestle his shirt off Tim while Bart jumps on his back to defend Tim.

`````````  
Cass has slowly stripped her room to only mats on the floor, and a mattress she moves to a different place in the room every night. Bart calls it a minimalist phase, but they aren't really sure what the hell she is doing. Tim spars with her every other day, and gets thrown around every time. It's kind of zen for Kon to watch Tim get his ass kicked like this, since Tim is in control of basically every other situation Kon sees him in.

Cass says, "You are projecting your movements with your left side."

Tim gives her a look and says, "Everything projects to you."

She simply smiles, and beats him up again. Tim groans on the floor as Kon asks, "Are you ever going to win?"

"That's not the point, Kon."

"So what's the point?"

"That I keep getting up."

"So you win an award for being the most stubborn person on the planet?" Kon replies as he flips through a copy of Cosmo to mock the sex tips. He adds, "I'm pretty sure you already have at least seven of these awards gold plated in our room."

"Instead of being an asshole, go do something useful and get me some water." Tim says, once again from the floor.

Kon says, "What the fuck, this sounds like they're telling chicks to give the guy's dick an Indian burn." He stops and asks, "Would that hurt me?"

Tim yells, "WATER. NOW. OR I WILL FIND A WAY FOR IT TO HURT."

Kon flees from the room.  
````````````````  
A few hours later, Kon walks into the living room to watch Tim typing on his laptop, and Bart zooming through a pile of books. His hotass geeks. Damn. He smacks his hands together, making them both jump, and calls out, "Okay, who wants to go first, bitches?"

Tim ignores him as Bart starts laughing. Kon walks around in front of Tim, who continues to ignore him until he takes the laptop out of his hands and sets it on the coffee table. [Yes, they have a coffee table. A very sturdy one.] He gets a dirty look, and Tim attempts to reach around Kon. That's not going to happen according to Kon's 'I'm getting laid' plan so Kon gets down on his knees and pulls Tim's head down, and starts kissing him. He can see Bart grinning out of the corner of his eye as he shifts on the couch. Kon licks his way into Tim's mouth as he watches Bart's hand slide over the front of his pants.

Kon whispers, "I think Bart wants to be entertained," as he sucks on Tim's neck, and Tim opens his eyes to stare at Bart, who is pulling open the snap on his pants, and pushing his hand down the front of them. Tim reaches down, and starts tugging Kon's shirt off, until Kon stands up, shedding his shirt, and his pants, kicking them off onto the floor. Tim grins up at Kon, and puts his hand on Kon's very hard dick, making Kon shudder, as Bart's eyes glow a little at the spectacle. Tim leans forward and takes Kon into his mouth, sucking him down, hallowing his cheeks, and swallowing until Kon's dick is down his throat. It's a trick Tim normally does at the start to fuck up Kon's brain power for the rest of the night.

Kon groans, and says, "Baby, come on, not that fast," panting as Tim swallows around him, not letting up. Kon tries to move away, but Bart is suddenly behind him, keeping him in place, saying, "Open your eyes, look at him, he loves it, he loves sucking you." Kon's eyes snap open, and he watches Tim come up for air, and go back down, watches his dick disappear into Tim's mouth, his gorgeous, beautiful mouth that Kon has jerked off to since he met him. Bart's hands are ghosting over his hips, and Kon's eyes flutter shut again as they move to his balls, and tug lightly. Bart is keeping Kon standing at this point, as Kon's brain whites out faster with every swallow.

"Oh god, baby, please, please, please," Kon begs over and over, he's not even sure what's he begging for, just for Tim to not stop, not ever. He almost screams when Tim pulls off him, reaching blindly as Bart moves him back. "No," he whines, "Get back here."

He opens his eyes as Tim says, "Did you really think I was going to be that easy on you?"

Kon blinks, still a little out of it, as Bart starts tugging at Tim's clothes, pulling his shirt off, and helping Tim get out of his pants. He stares dumb-founded as Tim turns around, braces himself on the chair, and Bart pulls Tim's hips up with one hand, and reaches over and pumps lube over his fingers before spreading Tim's ass, and sliding his now wet thumb up his crack, and inside him. Bart pushes it in and out a few times, watching Tim's hips flex, before he pushes two fingers in deep, twisting them, and brushing his cock against Tim's thigh, smearing precome along Tim's leg. Bart pushes three fingers into him, spreading them out enough to make Tim start to curse as he mutters in Interlac about how hard Tim's going to get fucked, how Tim is going to be crying out around Kon's dick.

Bart says, "He's all ready for you," in a much filthier voice than Kon thinks Bart should have, and then rolls his eyes, and pulls Kon over by his dick. Kon yelps, and says, "You bitches need to stop tag teaming me," as Tim threatens, "If you're not going to fuck me, I'm going to go find a dildo." Kon lines himself up behind Tim and pushes in carefully, moaning as he sinks in further, and Tim hisses out a long, "Yes." Bart smacks Kon on the ass, and says, "Come on, Conner, fuck him open. Make him scream."

Tim's fingers grip the chair's arms as Kon thrusts into him hard. He can feel Kon shaking a little bit as he moves in him, and over him, saying, "You feel so good, all the time, god, I just want to die like this." Tim pushes his face into the cushion as Kon braces himself, and spends the next twenty minutes crying out into the fabric as Kon works him, until Bart wraps his hand around Tim's dick, and strokes the head, and Tim comes all over the chair, his stomach, and Bart's hand. Kon follows him over the edge, and rests his cheek on Tim's back, as Bart thoughtfully licks his hand clean and conjectures about Tim needing to eat more oranges.

Kon says, "You are a weird motherfucker, Bart."

Bart shrugs and asks, "Think you can make me yell louder than Tim?"

Kon kneels up and says, "Get over here," and chases Bart when he runs around the couch, laughing. Kon grabs him, and dumps him over the back, following him down, and he pushes Bart into the couch, and kisses his smiling mouth. Bart is happy most of the time now, and Kon loves it. Bart's fingers are in Kon's hair, and his legs are around his waist. Tim comes over and kneels down in front of the couch and says, "I want to see."

"I know." Kon answers, and he sits up, and helps Bart turn over, so he is on his hands and knees. Kon watches them, amused, as Tim kisses Bart, before standing up to go perch on the chair on the other side of the table. He gestures, meaning, get on with the show. Kon shakes his head, and gets his fingers slick, and slides it up the middle of Bart's ass before pushing two fingers into Bart slowly. He starts sliding them out, carefully, so Tim can see them moving in and out, and so he can tease Bart. Their neighbors must fucking hate them. Kon could give a shit. He leans down and licks around his fingers, making Bart gasp against the couch arm. Tim is wide-eyed and has his fingers spread on his stomach. Kon needs to move this up a little more to get the hand down further. Tim won't jerk off until he is really ready for it.

Kon pulls his fingers out, and licks around Bart again, pushing his tongue in him this time, getting a cut off sobbing noise. He starts going at him in earnest, licking, and biting him, shoving his tongue inside him, grabbing at his hips to keep him in place. Tim is gripping the chair again when Kon looks at him out of the corner of his eye. Awesome.

He starts using his fingers again, pushing them in and out, while continuing to lick around them, getting Bart wet and open for him. Tim's hand has moved down to his dick, and his fingers are wrapped around it. Kon hides his grin against Bart, before moving up to line his dick up to Bart's ass. His pushes his fingers in one last time, twisting them, before pulling them out, and grabbing Bart's moving hips to still them. He lines up, and pushes the head of his cock in slowly. His self control is slipping, but he wants this to go a certain way, so slowly sliding into Bart's hot slick heat, as he listens to Tim and Bart whimper. He wants Tim to feel it too. Feel what he just had.

He slides all the way in before pulling back out, and pushing Bart's ass up higher, before pushing back in harder. Bart can take pretty much whatever Kon wants to throw at him, so Kon leans over him, stomach to his back, and braces himself and Bart on the couch, before settling into a fast, hard rhythm that makes Bart whine. Kon stops seeing Tim pretty fast, and just listens to the sound of his hand moving on his dick, and the sound of Bart's moans, and pleas, and maybe he shifts into speed a little tiny bit, because he's can feel the sweat rolling down his back, and Bart is starting to vibrate under him, and he's so fucking tight, and Kon just shoves into him over and over until his brain whites out.

When he shakes it off, Bart is laughing underneath him. "Get off me."

"Sorry. Uh, you're okay right? That wasn't too much?" Kon moves back carefully, wincing a little as the skin sticks, but it's not really like either of them can feel it all that much, it's just gross.

Bart stretches out and Kon's dick twitches, because dammit, his ass is still right there, and Kon is seventeen, and well, kind of human. And male, so the human part might not even matter. Tim is cleaned up, and bright eyed. Job well done, Kon. Especially since Bart has turned around, and he looks sated, and happy, and he's not mouthing off at Kon anymore. Kon leans down to kiss his mouth, and then his hands, biting at his fingers to watch him grin. Tim pulls Kon up, and Kon kisses him too. He is seriously the luckiest bastard in the world. Bart is on his other side, sliding his arms around both of them. Tim pulls away from Kon to ask, "Bed now?"

Bart nods, saying, "Now that Kon has thoroughly claimed his territory, I think we're ready to go to sleep."

"Damn right. I'll claim it as much as I want!" Kon exclaims before grabbing Bart and throwing him over one shoulder as he reaches out for Tim with his other hand. Tim laces their fingers together, and they all go into the bedroom for the night.

``````````````  
Dick goes to a strip club with Roy because he's recently received brain damage, at least that is what he's telling Wally on the phone who is hissing, "What is wrong with you? The last time you went out with Roy, I had to bail you out of jail in Bilaya! I think you almost mated with Gorilla Grodd!"

"Stop exaggerating, Wally. Nothing like that happened."

"Only because you don't remember any of it! Get out of that club right now!"

Dick hangs up the phone, and says brightly, "So, do you know the first names of every woman in this club yet or is that what tonight is for?"

"Why do I need to know their names?"

Dick looks at him carefully, and dials Wally again to whisper, "Hey, how many people do you have to sleep with before you get a sexual disease named after you?" and Roy says, "Shut the fuck up, Dick, there is no Speedy disease," and he throws Dick's phone under the table.

Five hours later, Dick is saying, "Wait, I think I have to go see my little brother. I think I promised him I would come by."

"Which brother?"

"The smaller one."

"That's good, the other one keeps trying to stab you." Roy says as he gives the very nice lady 40 bucks, adding, "But I still think I'd have sex with him because he's probably a wall-banger."

Dick nods seriously, climbs over the table into Roy's lap, and starts pulling money out of his jacket, mumbling about cab fare. Roy smacks at him. "That's for the ladies! You have to earn that money!"

Dick starts giggling, and says, "You want a lap dance baby?"

"Can I touch your ass?"

"Sure." Dick answers, grinning hugely, "and touch my dick, and okay, wait, I think that's my phone." He wiggles around on Roy's lap as he tries to duck under the table to reach it, coming up three minutes later exclaiming, "Got it!" and Roy says, "Um, you can keep the money."

"Thanks Roy! You're the best friend ever!" Dick hops up, and says, "I'm going to go see my little brother now BYE LADIES YOU WERE ALL SUPERNICE!" as he runs out the door.

Dick ends up at Tim's house almost by sheer chance since he keeps giving the cab driver different addresses, and changing his mind. Kon finally comes down as he's arguing in Urdu with the cab driver about the fastest way to get to Gotham Center and drags him out of the cab. He carries Dick upstairs as Dick babbles on about Tim, and little brothers, and strip clubs, and how awesome flying is. Kon dumps him on the couch as Tim hovers to make sure he's okay.

Dick keeps reaching for Tim. To touch his hair, or his shirt, until finally he just pulls Tim onto his lap, and won't let him go. Kon says, "Um," when Dick starts kissing Tim's jaw, and putting his hand up his shirt. Tim is frozen, and wide eyed. Kon reaches over to pull him away but Tim shakes his head minutely and Kon narrows his eyes. Tim gives him the perfect begging look and puts his hands together like he's praying. Kon looks over at Bart who shrugs. "Hey, it's cool with me." Kon smacks him and turns back to Tim to say, "You're a slut!"

Dick mumbles, "Don't call my little brother a slut."

"Dude, it's wrong that you're calling him little brother when you're doing that to him."

"Wrong? Or seriously hot?" Bart asks. "I know which way I'm leaning."

"Bart, I mean it when I say I'm banning you from all libraries in the country. You used to be such a nice kid."

"Was that before you started fucking me in the ass?"

"I didn't teach you this deviancy." Kon waves his hands at the couch, where Dick has his hand down Tim's pants, and is muttering more sexy things about little brothers.

Bart rolls his eyes as Dick pushes Tim off him, so he can get up and start stripping down. Kon and Bart both stop speaking to gawk in awe. Tim is almost too stunned to take off his clothes, so Kon helps him. He may be opposed to this in theory, but in reality, it is his duty to help his friends get laid. Plus, holy shit, Dick is a hot motherfucker. It seems fair Tim should get to have that once. While they watch. Closely. Kon whispers, "Go get a camera," to Bart who vanishes and reappears a second later covertly pointing to a spot behind him where he set it up.

Dick pulls Tim away from Kon, and he smiles as he kisses Tim's very willing mouth. Tim almost climbs up Dick as they kiss, making Bart giggle, and Kon say, "I'm starting not to feel special here anymore." Bart says, "We love you plenty," as he curls his hand around Kon's. Dick picks Tim up and lays him on the couch, getting a very quiet, "okay, damn," out of Kon, because Dick is human. Tim stares up at Dick, as Dick pulls off his shirt, and unbuttons his pants, laughing as he almost falls over the table. Dick tosses his pants over the couch, and grins hugely at Tim as (he) crawls up the couch and Tim's body.

Kon tosses a tube of astroglide that Dick catches one-handed, and Bart says, "This is like watching the work of a Master." Kon says, "Dick Master," and they both crack up, as Tim says, "Will you clowns shut up you are ruining my life's dream here."

Dick leans down and says, "When I'm inside you, they won't even exist," and Tim almost falls off the couch, despite being pinned to it.

Kon says, "Clearly I need these kind of lines," as Dick flips the cap open on the lube, and spreads it on his fingers. Bart asks, "Seriously, should I be getting a notebook and writing everything down?" and Tim throws one of the coffee tables books at both of them, and hisses, "I will poison you both!"

Dick says, "You need to relax, little brother, let me help you out with that," and he leans down, and starts licking at Tim's dick as he pushes two fingers inside him, and Tim's eyes roll into the back of his head, as Kon says, "Seriously, the incest is fucked up here," and Bart says, "Tim is right, you talk too fucking much." Kon squawks, "I talk too much..." but he trails off as Tim makes a noise of pleasure and whips his head around and says, "What the hell did he just do?"

Bart exclaims, "I don't know, you were distracting me!"

Dick pulls off Tim, and eases his legs up, folding him in half before settling down on top of him. Tim's pupils are blown, and Dick leans down to ask, "How long do want me to fuck you?" and Tim whispers back, "As long as you want."

Dick grins, and shifts Tim underneath him until they're in the perfect position, and Tim's eyes shut as Dick enters him. Tim tugs Dick down to kiss him, licking at his mouth, and biting his lip, as Dick moves inside him, hitting every single good place Tim has. Bart and Kon watch the muscles in Dick's back as he moves, it's like a living work of art. The look on Tim's face is so far past bliss, Kon is kind of jealous both that he's not the one who put it there, and that he's not the one making the face. Bart is just watching in quiet awe.

``````````````  
The next morning, Dick wakes up and starts groaning immediately. He feels like someone hit him in the head with a crowbar. He squints to see Tim sitting on the table holding out pain pills, and water. Tim is the best little brother ever, seeing to his needs like...wait. Dick has a small, tiny idea that Tim maybe saw to some other needs last night while they had an audience. This feeling is confirmed when he sees Bart looking down at him from the back of the couch.

"Are you going to puke?" Bart asks.

"Don't give him ideas, dude." Kon says as he drags Bart away from the couch. Dick looks at Tim, who puts down the cup to help him sit up, and he smiles as he picks it up again to give to Dick.

"How bad do you feel?"

Bart calls out from the kitchen, "Would Tim giving you a blow job help any? I know I feel better afterwards."

Dick sips the water and silently thanks every deity ever for the invention of things that produce cold water. Especially when Kon comes out with an ice pack that he hands to Tim, who puts it on the back of Dick's neck.

Dick starts, hesitantly, "I'm sorry if I messed up anything between..."

Tim cuts him off. "You didn't." His small smile is confirmation of his words, as is Kon's smirk. Dick nods slowly, and vows to never, ever, ever, drink with Roy Harper again. Not that he's upset about the sex with Tim part, but the fact that his head now feels like acrobats are leaping through it can be done without. Tim's fingers are cool on his head, and he pushes Dick back down, and whispers, "Go to sleep, the world will be a nicer place when you wake up again." Dick closes his eyes, and waits for it to be true.

When he opens his eyes again, it's dark out, and Bart is sitting in the chair watching him.

"You really slept. We tried to wake you up to see if you wanted food, but you hit Kon and rolled back over. Tim says he's telling Alfred that the key to getting you to sleep is drinking with Roy."

"Which I am never doing again. I'll be right back." Dick says he gets up to the bathroom. When he comes back out, there is juice, and toast, and Bart is making eggs. Kon is hovering/supervising. Tim is in the chair now. Dick sits down heavily on the couch, and gulps down all the juice, and the water. His mouth is really dry. He starts on the toast, which is hot and buttery, and damn, this is the best one night stand ever, seriously. He wishes he could remember the sex a little more clearly, because it was probably amazing as hell, and he doubts he's going to get another shot.

"So Bart cooks?"

"And Kon."

"What do you do?"

"Nothing. I'm completely useless actually. I'm banned from the laundry too. They pay all the bills as well. I'm a kept man. I'm here for decoration and sex."

Kon starts choking behind him, and Bart giggles as he brings out the omelet, and damn, it's a really good omelet stuffed with crab and veggies. Dick looks up at him, and with his mouth full asks, "Did Alfred give you lessons or something?"

"Nope. I just fucked stuff up until I finally got it right."

"That's kind of profound."

"It helps that my learning curve is exceptionally fast."

They all eat in silence. Dick grins when he watches Bart eat seven omelets, and fight Kon for the last piece of toast. He should go see Wally soon, they don't hang out enough.

They hang out a little bit after they're finished, but Dick really needs to go home so he can go be Nightwing, and beat people up. It's one of the times in his life that he would rather be himself. Tim walks him to the door where Dick tilts Tim's face up, and he smiles. "You look happy, little brother."

"I am."

"Good. Stay that way." Dick leans down and kisses him on the lips before wrapping his arms around him. Tim feels good in his arms, and he holds him for a long moment, a little surprised he's actually getting away with it. When he lets go of him, Tim is still smiling, and Dick buries his face in Tim's hair and whispers, "I love you."

"I know. Me too."

Dick moves away, and out the door, pausing to yell, "Thanks for sharing, bastards." Bart immediately says, "No, my parents were married, Kon's the only bastard here," and gets tackled to the floor. Dick laughs all the way down the stairs at the thumps he hears through the walls.

``````````````````

Batman has never come by, in his civilian disguise or otherwise. Tim is a little curious about that, but he's not going to ask. Maybe Bruce is actually respecting his right to privacy and a life. As soon as Tim has this thought, he immediately starts searching the room for bugs. There is no way in hell. He makes Kon help, explaining what to listen for, and they find several, but it was too easy. Tim frowns hard at the wall, and Bart and Kon both give up to let Tim obsess. Neither of them care if Batman is spying on them, he can listen to them fucking Tim if he really wants.

When he finally does show up, as Bruce Wayne, just to be a prick, Bart has no idea who the hell he is. He opens the door to see Bruce fucking Wayne standing there, asking for Tim. Tim comes to the door, scowling, and have some sort of coded conversation that makes no sense. Kon comes out of the bedroom, smoothing his t-shirt down so they can go to work. [They deliver in their uniforms, it's easier all around.] He sees Bruce in the doorway and freezes, before looking at Bart, who stares back at him. Tim is getting a pinched look on his face, and Bart slowly says, "Do you think that's Batman?" and Kon says, "Oh man, Bruce Wayne was my hero, getting all those hot women. That's crap." [But it better be Batman since Kon is standing around dressed like Superboy. Haha, Sir, it's a Halloween costume. In July. I plan ahead.]

Bruce looks over Tim's head at them both, with a flat stare that borders on malevolent. "Batman," they both say, and Bart ducks into the room to get into his uniform. Their apartment is covered in books, because of Bart, mostly, and Tim. There are stars on the ceiling, and posters on the wall, and afghans all over from Kon's aunt [grandmother] and Bart's Someone named Joan. Kon tries to see what the hell Batman must see when he looks at all their clutter, but Kon only sees his home, and all the awesome they fill it with. Bruce moves aside and Alfred steps in with a box of stuff, and Tim grins. Kon drifts over because the box smells good, and he could probably eat some more. Always.

He and Bart get cookies before they leave. Tim is showing Bruce around their place, and Alfred is poking around the kitchen. It seems like something is forgiven. Kon takes this as a sign that he should maybe extend an olive branch to Clark, so he does, and it's accepted. Clark comes over, and brings pie, and smiles a lot, and tries visibly not to freak out over the fact that Kon is clearly sleeping with both Robin and Kid Flash. Also, he doesn't bring Lois, which earns him a million points as far as Kon is concerned. He hates Lois. Kon tells him, finally, about Lex. They had the AI zap his brain when Clark wasn't around, so it's not widely known, except with the other Titans. [Mostly they ask for money a lot. Kon hits them. Except for the time Beast Boy asked for money for a hooker for Cyborg and Kon gave it to him out of morbid curiosity.]

Clark is quiet for a minute, and then asks, "To clarify, Lex is your other...you have both of our DNA?"

"Yeah, pretty much. He used his to stabilize yours, I guess. That's what Tim said. So, not only am I the only Kryptonian/Terran hybrid in existance, I'm probably the only person with two dads. Wait, are there races where guys have kids?" Kon turns around and yells, "Tim, are there races were guys have kids?"

Tim comes out, and answers, "I actually don't know. There could be, but generally the idea of a concept of the female gender is child bearing, so we would probably call them female even if they weren't strictly female."

"I thought it was more related to genitalia."

"In case of aliens that differ significantly biologically, the definition would probably become more about child bearing."

Clark says, "Actually, it's not that unusual for two men to have children on Krypton. The children are born in a birthing matrix. They don't give birth like humans generally do it, so your creation isn't that strange for our species. Minus the aging, and the knowledge shoved in your head. Though, that happened sometimes, as well. You remember that information I showed you about Krypton when I gave you your name?"

"Sure. I remember that." Kon flashes a huge smile.

Clark smiles back at him, and it still gives Kon a little thrill to see their identical smiles. He's looked in the mirror a lot to try to figure out what comes from where, and his smile is definitely Clark's. His hair and eyes too. His jawline is from Lex, but the other stuff is less certain, he's not sure what Lex's parents looked like or Clark's. He'll have to ask to see pictures one day, but not yet. Clark gets up to look around their apartment, skimming his hand over the afghans with a smile. He knows who made them. He smiles at Cass when she creeps out to study him. They've moved as much stuff as they can into Kon's room, which is crowded now, and crammed full. Cass hasn't added much decoration herself, but Bart and Tim put intricate shuriken on the walls in there, and she seems to like them.

Kon isn't even sure why he cares what Clark thinks, but he does, he wants him to be proud, or something, happy that Kon is living his life well. Bart zips in the kitchen and squeezes Kon's hand. Kon smiles at him, and then goes back to watching Clark, who is staring at the television on the wall. It's huge, a 52 inch flatscreen that Bruce gave to them as what Kon thinks was a Robin bribe. It has a surround sound system and they have every gaming console known to man on the floor. Clark asks, "This isn't from Lex is it?"

"No."

"There's a bug in it."

"It's from Batman." Tim says. "It's not worth the effort to take it out."

Clark shakes his head and glances around again. "There's one in the light fixture, and three over there as well." He waves his hand in the general direction. "More in your rooms."

"Oracle. Batman. Probably one or two from Luthor. We're vastly interesting." Tim say drolly.

Cass laughs from her position on the back of the couch. She switches on the tv to watch some horrible reality show, because to her, those are completely unreal. Bart makes everyone tea, and they sit around the kitchen table talking about their jobs, and move over to other topics. Clark leaves after an hour, and he gives Kon a hug, and tells him to come to Metropolis next week, so they can all have lunch. Kon leans into him and says, "Not Lois right?" and Clark answers, "Even I am not that much of a glutton for punishment. Be good, Kon."

Lex shows up the next day while Kon and Bart are at work to annoy Tim about Clark's visit, confirming the theory that at least one of the bugs in the place is his. He frowns at the afghans like they are a personal affront, and Tim wonders when one of Bart's annoying relatives is going to show up. So far it's only been his and Kon's, it seems unfair. Though Alfred brings cookies, and Dick and Cass are awesome, so it's probably evens out. Assuming any amount of cookies make up for Bruce. Tim highly doubts it. Lex is looking with interest at the books in front of him. They all focus on forensic evidence, and police procedure. Bart is talking about following in his grandfather's footsteps, which Tim is happy to encourage.

"These are not my son's, I take it?"

"Bart's." Tim answers as he picks some of them up off the floor. He's given up trying to keep things all that neat here, there's just too much stuff.

"What does Kon read?"

There is a long moment of silence. "Playboy?" Tim says uncertainly. Kon doesn't really seem to read much. "Oh, and history books sometimes. He likes things that have sex and violence in them."

Lex looks pleased. "History is an excellent area of study. I'll send him some books on Macedonia."

"I don't think he cares about Alexander the Great."

"There is a fair amount of sex and violence in them. I'm certain he'll find them to his taste."

"Kon isn't going to take over the world."

Lex glances at Tim meaningfully. "I don't expect Kon will be the one to accomplish that."

Tim frowns, and continues picking up books to take into their spare room. He isn't planning on taking over the world either. He hears the guys before the door opens, because both of them are loud as hell. Kon walks in and yells, "Oh, what the fuck?" as he falls over another stack of books.

Lex frowns at his son as he stands up from the couch. Bart zips around Kon, grabs the pile before Kon can yell more, and disappears with it.

"Hi, uh, Lex." Kon says awkwardly.

"You may call me Father if you wish."

"I really, really don't wish. What are doing here?"

"I came to ascertain you weren't being unduly influenced by your other progenitor."

"I'm not becoming evil, you know. I mean, I admit there have been times where I wanted to take the evil way out. Mostly when someone really deserves it, but over-all, as a calling, I'm not evil. Or going to be evil. Plus, we have the agreement about this topic and you need to respect it. So, maybe you need to look into other hobbies. "

"You aren't a hobby, Kon. You're my son. I'm not going to lose interest in your well-being any time soon."

"You could try?" Kon says earnestly. Lex doesn't look very happy at that suggestion, and Kon steps back. He's taller, and bigger than Lex, and also, he's a freaking alien, but still, Lex. Luthor. Sperm Donor or whatever, he doesn't think that kind of thing really means all that much to this guy. Tim thinks it's just some kind of power play, but Kon doesn't care, he just doesn't like feeling threatened. Lex touches his arm, and says, "No, I could not try. We need to talk about other things at this moment. Please tell the rest of your little family to come out here."

They all end up out in the living room as Lex carefully explains that they all have a very big problem involving some kind of giant satellite, and those crazy idiots who were involved last time the damn universe almost ended. Kon and Bart both look at Tim, who asks, "Your doppelganger?" Lex nods, and pulls a crystal out of his suit pocket. He hands it to Kon, as he says, "This is very important, Kon. You have to keep this with you."

"What is it?"

"It will lead you to them when you need it to."

"Is it Kryptonian? Where the hell do you get this shit?"

Lex flashes a smile, and states, "Having money is just like having a super power. Possibly the greatest one of all."

Kon takes the purple crystal, and shoves it in his pocket. He can work some crystal in my pocket but I'm still happy to see you jokes later on. A lot of extremely strange shit involving yet another AU version of Clark happens, and of course, this one also wants to punch him in the face. Kon thinks very seriously that he might make some Luthor pie charts of his own after this is all over. He destroys the satellite or whatever the hell it is, and bleeds out all over the place, and it really sucks, and is totally painful. As he blacks out, he sees Lex's horrified face, and hears him faintly saying, "My beautiful son, look at what that monster did to you. He won't touch you again, I promise." Kon struggles to stay awake, but he can't fight anymore.

He misses Lex pulling a glowing square out of his pocket, and shoving it into Prime's skin as the other Clark advances on Kon's unconscious form. Prime tries to pull it off, but it expands and glows brighter as he yanks at it. Finally it flashes so brightly Lex has to look away, and he smiles behind his hand as Prime screams in agony.

Power Girl stares in silent horror as the cube pulses, draining all of Prime's solar energy out of his body. After twenty long minutes, the power matrix falls off him, and Prime collapses, human and half-dead, on the wreckage of the satellite Alexander Luthor built. Lex picks up the now dim square, and carefully places it in his pocket as his rescue team arrives to take Kon back to one of Lex's labs.

Superman arrives there twenty minutes later, after Kon is floating in the recovery tank. He walks in carefully, unsure of how angry Lex is, but Lex just continues adjusting a few of the machines near the tube. He's past anger right now. Dick is sitting next to a lab table, with his head in his hands. He tried to apologize, over and over to Lex, but Lex brushed him off. None of this is Dick's fault. Clark asks, "What did you do?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, of course it matters." Clark says, "How the hell did you take him out?"

"You would have preferred Kon was dead?" Lex asks, "That your insane counterpart was running around ripping apart the universe?"

"No, of course not." Clark pauses before asking, "Where is he?"

Lex glances at Clark and answers, "He's down the hall under heavy sedation, and locked up. You're not taking him anywhere."

Clark edges closer. "You can't use him for experiments."

"Oh, shut the hell up, Clark. I'm not using him for a damn thing, I just want him buried."

Clark nods, that's fine for now, and he touches the glass on the tube. "He's going to be okay, right?"

"Yes, he will recover fully." Lex assures him.

"Thank you."

"I was simply protecting my investment."

Clark turns to look at him and Lex amends his words. "Protecting what is mine."

"Ours."

Lex raises an eyebrow, before nodding his assent. "I suppose I can allow him to be ours."

Clark turns his face back to the large tube, and switches to X-ray vision to look Kon over. He leans his forehead against it, and whispers, "I'm so sorry, ao|nah. I'm so sorry. I never meant for this."

He pretends not to hear Lex say, "I could fill this entire building with the things you never meant to happen." Lex taps his fingers against the controls, and continues, "Since when is he your son? Did his possible death finally squash the ridiculous fake cousin routine?"

"How are you understanding Kryptonian? Do you make a translator?"

Lex stares at Clark and slowly says, "Don't fuck with my child, or I'll do to you what I did to that bastard down the hall. Only I won't leave you in a room to rot."

"Why haven't you?" Clark asks.

"Why haven't I what?"

"Did to me whatever you did to Prime."

Lex pauses before carefully replying, "I prefer a challenge."

Clark laughs. "You prefer a challenge?"

"Not many men can claim a god as their mortal enemy, Superman."

"I'm not a god."

"You might as well be one." Lex says as he half-shrugs. "You're at least as powerful as those Fourth World bastards."

"If I was a god, do you think Kon would be half-dead right now? Would the world be such a damn mess that two crazy idiots set up a plan to destroy the whole universe? Would the best friend I ever had hate me? I'm a lousy god."

"You're suffering under the delusion that gods are forces of good, and right. They most certainly are not. I am sure Diana will agree with me, worship or not."

"I'm helping as much as I can, and it's not accomplishing anything. I can smash through a brick wall, but I might as well just be beating my head against one like everyone else. Not that you're helping any with the crap you pull." Clark adds viciously.

"I suppose you might be a little human after all."

Clark smiles sadly at Lex. "I still miss you."

"You miss something that didn't exist." Lex answers dismissively. He doesn't particularly care to have this conversation.

"If it didn't exist, then why does our son exist?"

"Perhaps as a testament to my ego."

Clark smiles at Lex, and says, "How could I not know that?" He leans his head gently against the glass, listening to Kon's heartbeat. It's a little sluggish, but it will get strong again. Clark's eyes flick over to where Dick is asleep on the table. Lex says, "He was cut up, so I had someone sew him up. He'll be fine."

"Bludhaven is gone."

"I heard the reports." Lex says, "Tim informed me it's a crater in the ground now, and I ordered him to get the hell away from it. He did listen to me?"

"He did. He pulled everyone that isn't a meta out of there."

"They all need to be screened, and treated." Lex says, "I can't believe they ran into there in the first place." He holds up a hand, and says, "Do not lecture me about the behavior of heroes, there is a difference between being self-sacrificing and being an idiot." Lex gives Clark a look that makes it very clear where he feels Clark falls on that scale, and Clark says, "I was an idiot when you met me, Lex," making Lex blinks at him, and smile in a small amount of amusement.

Lex walks over and puts his hand next to Clark's head, and they look at each, carefully. Clark puts his hand over Lex's, and he says, "I love him, he's the best thing you could have ever done." Lex nods and touches Clark's face. He says, "I've missed you, too."

Kon wakes up a week later in a lab with Lex and Tim both staring down at him, identical looks of concern on their faces. Bart is hovering in the background, and he can hear Cassie talking to Cissie in the corner. He tries to sit up, but he can't, and ouch, motherfucker, this is not cool at all. Tim says, "Kon, stay down, okay."

Kon says, "No problem, baby," and passes back out.

He wakes up again four days later, and Clark is sitting there, watching him. Kon says, "Uh, hey." Clark leans over, and says, "It's 2 in the morning, ao|nah, your father is asleep, can you stay awake long enough for me to wake him up?"

Kon shakes his head and winces. "It hurts," he says, and Clark carefully touches his hair, and whispers, "Go back to sleep, and you'll get better." Kon falls back into unconsciousness as he hears Clark whisper, "Please, I will give anything to have him be fine."

Kon ends up losing a month of time. He wakes up for an hour at a time, watching the sun stream in, and soaking it up before he falls back asleep over and over. When he finally can get out of bed, he's weak, and he falls over as he climbs out, but Lex just calmly helps him up. His dad doesn't say anything as he walks him outside. Kon turns his face up into the sun, and closes his eyes. It feels so wonderful and he breathes in the light as Bart makes him drink what must be a gallon of orange juice.

It's another two weeks before Kon is up to recreational activities, and Kon spends that entire two weeks bitter and sulking. Lex shoves duct tape over his mouth with no sympathy at all.

His first orgasm feels like a giant 'fuck you' to the universe. He traces Tim's skin, making sure he didn't forget any of it, as Bart settles next to him on the gigantic bed Lex gave them. Kon says, "I think I want to be a rich, spoiled brat from now on."

Bart says, "I didn't realize evil meant you get better mattresses. Maybe I should look into the benefit plans."

"I'm sure that's what convinced the Rogue Gallery to pursue a life of crime."

"Maybe Piper."

"Is Piper the gay one?"

"Yeah." Bart says, "And he's not really evil."

Tim says, "I'm sure Mr. Freeze does it, for the sleeping arrangements," and Kon says, "Oh eww, did you have to make me think of that guy having sex with someone? I think my dick just died," and Bart says, "Nah, it seems okay to me."

Kon replies, "You should keep doing that just to be sure."

`````````````````````````````````````````````````  
Shortly after Kon is completely healed, he's patrolling around Gotham with Tim and Bart, and he hears Jason Todd screaming, "MOTHERFUCKER! DIE YOU FUCKER!" in a warehouse down the street, and he flies in that direction as quickly as possible under Tim's orders when Kon mentions he hears the Joker's laughter in the same vicinity. When Kon gets there, he sets Tim down, and they find the Joker dead, and Jason bleeding out all over the floor from a major knife wound. Kon says, "Holy shit," and Tim yells out, "Get Alfred now!" Kon uses his TTK to keep Jason's wound closed and keep him stable as much as possible. Bart runs into the Batcave and grabs Alfred, who does emergency surgery in their guest room. Jason is pretty fucked for a while, waking up to scream incoherently at them, and yell at Bruce for being too much of a pathetic prick to get the job done.

Jason wakes up to see Bruce staring down at him.

"Did it myself." He says in a hoarse tone.

"Jason." Bruce starts, and Jason says, "Nah. Did it myself, no more waiting for you, prick."

He shoves Bruce's hand away, as Dick runs in, and yells, "Jay. You stupid asshole. What the fuck were you thinking?"

Jason mumbles, "Wanted to finish what he took back from you. Done now." He closes his eyes, and whispers, "All the peace in the world to me."

He wakes up a few hours later, and Dick is still there, stroking his hair, and watching him sleep. Jason says, "Aww," and tries to sit up, but Dick pushes him back down.

"You're still in bad shape, Little Wing."

"I'm fine." Jason insists. "Death can't even stop me."

Dick says, "I bet I'm scarier than death."

Jason looks up at him, and says, "Not even close, you fucking underwear model."

Dick grins and says, "Don't think I won't strap your ass down."

"That could be fun, but I need to piss first."

"Fine, but I'm coming with you."

"Whatever gets you off."

Dick helps him into the bathroom, and over to the toilet. He stand behind Jason as the other man pees, taking most of Jason's weight.

"You know what's irritating?" Dick remarks as he holds Jason up.

"Huh?" Jason grunts.

"You're taller than me."

"Yeah." Jason continues, "Bigger than you too."

"Maybe." Dick flexes his free arm.

"No, bigger where it counts."

"Where it...oh, shut up, you are not."

"Am."

"Not. And come on, now you're just playing with it."

Jason laughs, and moans a little. Dick helps pull his scrub pants up, and steers him over to the sink so he can wash his hands. Jason looks in the mirror and frowns. He has a beard starting in heavily, and he's pale, and washed out.

"I look like shit."

"You almost died. Again. Stop doing that." Dick says as he starts to guide Jason away from the sink towards the door.

"No. Wait a minute." Jason pulls up his top and looks at the bandage on his stomach.

"Don't take it off."

"Not going to. Another for the scar collection."

"It's going to be a pretty impressive looking one too. That or it will look like a C-section scar. You can tell everyone your baby was worth it."

Jason laughs and starts coughing. Dick grabs him tighter, and tries to soothe him. "Hey, sorry, sorry, shh, it's okay."

"Don't make me laugh, you piece of shit."

"I promise."

Jason leans back a little more on Dick, and they walk out of the bathroom.

Dick helps Jason sit down carefully while Alfred brings him juice. Kon follows behind him with some broth and toast.

"That doesn't look like a steak to me." Jason says irritably.

"You hurry up and heal faster and you can have as much fucking steak as you want."

"At least tell me it's beef broth."

"Chicken."

"Fucker."

"Screw you, you pain in the ass. I could have left you on the floor of that place to explode."

"Why didn't you?"

"Tim didn't want me to. Even though you tried to kill him. Don't do that again, by the way, or they won't find the pieces of your body."

"Say that in a little scarier voice." Jason says in amusement.

Kon nods, and leans over and whispers, "I have two dads, one of them is Superman, the other is Lex Luthor. Do you want to take a chance which one I might decide to channel that day?"

Jason stares at him. "You're lying."

"No, I'm not." Kon assures him, "50% Luthor."

"Did Superman and Luthor have some crazy affair? What the fuck happened to the world when I was dead?" Jason says in a horrified tone, "Just screw this shit, tell Alfred to get me more pain killers. I want them this time. A fuckload of them."

"I could see if Batman wants to come back." Kon says, "You could have some family bonding time."

"Fuck your mother, SuperHo, whichever one that is."

"You know, I don't really know. Hey, Tim, do you think Superman is my mother?"

Tim appears in the doorway. "Technically Lex created you so that might make him more of your mother? Plus, you have Clark's name, not Lex's, so Clark is probably your dad in the scenario."

"That seems a little fucked up."

"That's the part you find fucked up?" Jason asks.

"I'm a different species than you, you moron, my birth isn't that strange for mine."

Jason shrugs. Kon has a valid point and he doesn't really want to know how alien species reproduce.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````

Jason tends to sleep on Dick's lap. Hilariously, he frequently gets into a really deep sleep, and sticks his face in Dick's crotch. Sometimes he drools. They have about a million pictures. Tim conjectures Jason is basically a human rottweiler, and it generally goes downhill from there. Dick gives up trying to move him after the second time Jason passes out, and just slowly drives himself insane.

It's basically the normal state when dealing with his fellow Batmembers anyway. Two weeks after they've moved into the new house, Dick notices Jason starts to feel warm, and he thinks very seriously about faking a trip to the Amazon and leaving Jason for Tim to deal with, but he figures Tim would just send Thing 1 or Thing 2 after him. He debates trying to outrun a Flash as Jason wakes up partially, and starts mumbling about Thai hookers.

Dick smacks him in disgust, and Jason rolls over.

"I think Jay has a fever." Dick tells Tim later, who winces before asking, "Secondary Infection?" Jason has recovered from getting knifed, but he cut himself up on some razor wire last week. It's a testament to the general awesomeness of Robins that he didn't bleed out all over the fucking sidewalk. Dick hates razor wire. Bart finishes his juice, before saying, "I guess I'll see to the patient now."

"What?"

"In my nurse's uniform." Bart adds, before disappearing into the bedroom. Dick looks over at Tim in confusion, only to see Tim giggling. Or at least as close as Tim will ever get. While Dick contemplates his water being full of hallucinogens, Bart comes back out of his room in a sexy nurse uniform, complete with stethoscope, and doctor's bag. He glances inside, and says, brightly, "Oops, wrong doctor's bag!" and reappears a second later with a different, more beat up black bag. Dick slowly turns around to stare at Tim, but Tim is very busy reading the paper. In what looks like Farsi. Dick follows Bart into Jason's room to see Jason sitting up in the bed, eyebrows raised, as Bart says in a German accent, "I will examine you now."

Jason says, "Alright," and grabs Bart's ass, because why the hell not. Bart smacks his hand, and snaps, "Naughty man! Do not make me get Herr Docktor in here to deal with you!"

"Let me guess, Kon is the doctor?"

"Docktor Kon is an excellent Docktor. Very through. He has not lost a patient yet."

"I'll bet." Jason grins. Bart walks over to stand in between his legs, and say, "Now open for me," and he leans over and puts a thermometer in Jason's mouth. Dick has to hand it to Bart, normally Jason is a massive bitch when he's sick. This approach is a better one.

For assistance, Bart gets Cass to dress up in a nurse's outfit, sort of a WWII style, out of the random closet full of stuff they have in the basement. She comes into Jason's room with a tray holding cold medicine, and a glass of juice.

"Time to take your medicine."

"Oh jesus. Please tell me I get to take it by sucking it off your..." Dick slaps his hand over Jason's mouth, and whispers, "I will castrate you." Jason looks at him, a little worried, and Dick nods and makes a little slashing motion. He takes his hand away when Jason starts to lick patterns into his palm and Jason just says, "Thank you, Cass," and starts planning new ways to injure himself. Luckily, he's an ex-Robin, so it doesn't take very long.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````

Kon comes out as dating Robin and Kid Flash in public because of some useless asshole in Kansas.

The Titans are in Metropolis, basically screwing around, and acting irresponsibly when they see a preacher is in the middle of the street in Metropolis in front of a camera loudly yelling about the evil gays, and how the faggots will destroy their planet.

Eddie asks, "Want me to go fuck with him?"

"I have a better idea," Bart says. He pulls Robin and Kon over to stand behind the guy, in the view of the camera. Robin tries to move out of range of the camera, but Bart kisses him, hard, and he stops moving. Kon nods, and slides his hands up Robin's back, under his cape.

Cassie pulls Kara over and kisses her, too, as Bart lets go of Robin, and pulls Kon down for a much more filthy kiss, and the camera man almost drops the camera. Eddie stares with his mouth open, before he mumbles, "I guess God does love me and answer my prayers."

Jaime says, "I told you," and then tries to figure out how to make his armor take video. If he doesn't show this to Paco, he knows he will never be forgiven and he will deserve it. Virgil is cheering beside him.

Rose, Mia, and Cissie are cheering in the background as Kon kisses Robin. The preacher is screaming even louder, but Bart takes his arm, and says, "People who look for love will find it, and people who search for hate will find it, which kind of person do you want to be?"

The guy shakes Bart's hand off his arm, and hisses, "Fuck you, you faggot."

Bart smiles at him, and nods. "And I'm grateful every day I get even five seconds with either one of them."

People around them are staring, and Kon pulls away from Robin to pull Bart back to them. He wraps his arms around both of them, and whispers, "khuh|p, :zhao rrao|p," to both of them. They cling to him as people start taking pictures that will show up all over the Internet in about five seconds. He nods to Kara, who has Cassie against her still. She smiles brilliantly at him, as Clark comes down out of the sky. The preacher leaves when Superman tells him to shut up.

After that, people tend to call up to them as they fly by, requesting pictures, or giving them rainbow stickers and flags. People also call them names, but Kon ignores those people. He feels bad for them, they're so unhappy with their own lives that they need to judge other people's, it's a horrible way to live. Some teenagers jeer at him, calling out, "Man, why'd you have to be gay? That's disgusting." He stops and answers, "One, I'm bisexual, and two, I'm a fucking alien, you morons, I can't believe you care what I stick my dick in. Don't worry, none of you are attractive enough to even give a first glance."

He flies away as they are calling, "Fuck you, asshole," after him. He rolls his eyes and saves a man from a mugger. The guy thanks him before pulling out a business card and saying, "Hey, you're dating Robin and Kid Flash right?"

"Yeah?" Kon asks a little wary. He's getting tired of the fucking crazy ass comments, both over the gay thing, and the threesome thing. If he has to hear Bart explain what a Triad is one more time, he's going to break someone's jaw. The guy pulls out a business card and hands it over to Kon, who glances at it. The guy rubs his hands together and says, "I'm a producer, and I have a proposition for you."

Kon starts to laugh, because he has a feeling he knows where this is going. Superman lands behind him, and looks at the guy, who backs off a few steps.

"Do you want them for gay pride or something?" Clark asks. Clark has this strange fascination with gay pride that Kon does not understand, maybe it's the bright colors. Kon starts choking as the guy hands another card over to Superman, and says, "I'll take you and Luthor too." Clark looks down at the business card with a confused look on his face, as Kon says, "He means porn."

"WHAT?" Superman yelps, and he drops the card on the ground. He sets it on fire with his heat vision for good measure. "Don't talk to my ao|nah again."

"Your what?"

"My son! DON'T TALK TO MY SON AGAIN!" Clark yells. "This is not funny, Kon-El."

"Calm down, ukr. I wasn't going to say yes. Micra probably would, but Rob wouldn't."

"I'll take one shot on a home camera!" The guy calls out around Superman.

Clark turns around to glare at the man, and his eyes glow red. The man runs off. They both take to the air. "You are not to make any porno, Conner. I don't care if you think you can talk Bart into it."

"It's a little late for that."

"What does that mean?"

"We own a video camera. Hell, we own several. Not to mention the bugs all over the damn house. Half the superhero community has probably seen it by now."

"I'll talk to Oracle."

"It's not like I mind. I have nothing to be ashamed of, and it's not like either of my boyfriends are slacking it in the hotness section either."

"Do you even have a concept of shame?"

Kon grins, bright and wide. "Lex said Luthors don't have time for petty emotions like shame."

"You're a Kent."

"In name only." Kon points to the S-Shield on his shirt and says, "House of El."

"I'm a Kent so you're a Kent."

"You're a Kent because they raised you, and gave you the name. You're genetically an El, so I'm an El. The Kents didn't raise me. Tim's last name is still Drake, even though he's basically a Wayne. Same difference."

"It's not a matter of degrees."

 

"Look, the Kent thing was just tacked on so the general public thought I was your cousin, right? Which I'm not. Kon-El is my _name_. It means something. I know it's not the same for you. Look, I have to go "

"I can adopt you."

"I don't need you to adopt me! I'm already your son! That's not going to change no matter what name you call me. I'm happy with the one I have. Conner is fine, if you like that."

"I know I went about this the wrong way, but..."

"No, seriously, I have to be at work in ten minutes. You can have your guilt conversations with someone else. I thought when I left that was pretty clear that I didn't want to be Kansas boy. I want to be Superman, not Clark Kent."

He can feel Clark stare after him as he flies away.

``````````````````````````  
Clark thinks about his life as he waits for Lex. He's unhappy that Kon is mad at him, and he's unsure about the direction he's moving in. Superman is spending more time involved in larger government organizations to try to make substantial differences. He and Lex are circling each other, and he and Lois are finally getting divorced, much to Kon's immense relief.

"Are you going to taunt me about Lois?" Clark asks as Lex arrives for their weekly lunch.

"I fucking loathe that woman, and think Kon is correct when he suggested she was a living example of vagina dentata. I can think of nothing that would make me happier than you getting the hell away from her." Lex replies. "Taunting is the last thing on my mind."

"I thought you hated her because of me."

"No. That made me want her dead. I hated her because she was a nosy bitch."

"Well, Thanks for not killing her." Clark says, "I think."

Lex smiles slightly, and says, "Well, if you change your mind, I can always..." He trails off as Clark looks at him.

Clark says forlornly, "I don't think I can keep up my job."

"I don't know how you kept it in the first place." Lex answers as he signals the waiter.

"Cheating. Lots and lots of cheating."

Lex says, "Speaking of cheating," and smiles at Clark, who says, "Can we eat first? I'm not really that great in bed when I'm starving."

"By all means."

`````````````````````````

Megan has been reading Freud and is talking about dreams. She asks them all to describe their last dream and Kon says, "Last night I dreamed Superman had taken over the world and was worshipped as a god, and thus, so was I. Hot people kept sacrificing their virginity to me to appease me."

Eddie, Jaime, Bart and Rose all start laughing, especially at the appalled looks on Cassie's face. Mia mostly looks like she is picturing it, and she leans over to Cissie and whispers, "Do you think we can convince him we're virgins?" Cissie whispers back, "That's going to be a little hard since he took mine already and I'm pretty sure he remembers."

Tim slowly says, "Do you dream about taking over the world a lot, Kon?"

Kon shrugs. He says, "Don't worry baby, it was just for the sex."

"I feel much better."

"Anyway, Bart and you were there. You were my royal concubines."

Bart calls out, "Hey, did I have a special concubine outfit? Was it shiny?"

"Mostly you were naked. Tim had this skirt thing because he was my scribe, too. To record my exploits."

Tim dryly mutters, "I'm touched."

"Oh, you were touched all right." Kon says appreciatively. Bart starts laughing again.

"I'm leaving you both to marry Dick. It's unfortunate I'll have to kill Jason to do it, but needs must."

"Bullshit. You love my cock too much for that."

"Oh?"

"Which is why you're always begging for it."

In the background, Eddie loudly says, "We don't need to hear this," and Rose says, "Shut the fuck up, Eddie. We all need to hear how much of a cockslut Robin is."

Tim looks carefully at Kon, and says, darkly, "We'll see who's begging."

Kon's grin amps up 1000 percent, and he leers, "I look forward to it," and then adds, "Besides once you go Kryptonian, you don't go back," and points at Cassie and Kara.

"WHAT?" Cassie yells. "That's not how it is."

"Sure it's not."

"You were so bad you made me gay!"

"I think I was so good you became gay because it was never going to get better, but it's okay, you think what you want, Cassie. I know the truth."

"YOU! I!"

"It's cool, I'm sure Kara is awesome in the sack, she's an El after all. Wait. Wait. Do you think that's why Lex looks a lot more relaxed lately? GODAMMIT!" Kon pulls out his phone and punches in a number. Everyone in the room stares at him as he demands, "Are you sleeping with Clark?"

Five seconds go by before, "That's so sick!" Kon yells. "It is sick!" He pauses as he listens and continues, "No, it's totally gross, and you're gross." Kon hangs up the phone. "My parents are fucking. This is the worst moment of my life."

His phone rings again and he flips it on, says, "You're supposed to be celibate," and hangs it back up. He gets a text message that reads, 'Just for that, I'm going to have anal sex with your father right now.' Kon screams and throws the phone across the room. He points at it and yells, "UNCLEAN!"

By this point, everyone in the room is cracking up, but they all shut up when Kon says, "YOUR PARENTS ALL HAD SEX A BUNCH OF TIMES TO HAVE YOU, THINK ABOUT THAT!"

As he leaves the room, Jaime mutters, "My mother did not." Eddie says, "Dude, your mother is way too hot for your dad not to be..." and Jaime punches him. Megan says, "I did not realize you were a Messiah, Jaime," and they all crack up again as they try to explain to her that Jaime is full of shit.

 

````````````````````````````````````````

A year later, Steph appears. Not dead. If it wasn't so fucked up, it would actually be hilarious, because Tim is speechless for a full five minutes. Kon is trying to scan her as well as he can without X-ray vision. She seems the same, same smell, everything sounds the same. He shrugs at Bart's questioning face. Then Tim starts yelling, startling all of them. Yelling about what she did, about running off and leaving them [read: him] to deal with the consequences, her fucking immaturity. He keeps going for awhile, until she's crying, and Bart is pulling him away. Kon looks at her after Tim is down the hallway, cursing, with Bart stroking his arm, and trying to calm him down.

"Wow. You know, I always thought I was a fuck up, but man. I guess not."

Steph looks up. "You're an asshole."

Kon nods. "Thanks for your boyfriend, by the way," he adds as he walks away. She swears at him, but he could care less. The city has never really recovered from the gang war so soon after the earthquake. It's not just her fault, but it is a little, and Kon can't fucking punch Batman, so he's a dick to Steph instead. Tim will probably yell at him for it later. He puts his arms around Tim's shaking form, and lets him breathe carefully against him. Bart walks down the hall, and he hisses quietly, "I don't care why you did what you did, but making Tim think you were dead, and then not even having the decency to show up and tell him you were back until he fucking stumbled over you makes you the worst kind of person in my book. So good luck in your future life, but please stay the hell out of ours."

Kon is staring at him as he comes back. Bart's fists are bunched up, and seriously, Bart is never mad like this. They take Tim out of the hallway of the hospital where Tim found her, and they go home. Tim is quiet for three days, and Bart and Kon hover as much as they can. Cass drifts in and out of their room, looking upset and unhappy. She went to see Steph, but Bart told her that he doesn't want Steph here right now, that he's really sorry, but this is not up for discussion.

``````````

Bart sits on the floor next to Tim, and rubs his back. He says, "I'm sorry things keep turning out this way."

Tim shrugs. "I'd rather she be selfish and alive, then virtuous and dead."

"There is that." Bart replies. He leans over and kisses Tim on the cheek, and adds, "I love you."

Tim says, "I love you, too."

They watch Kon chase after a little black haired boy, and Tim adds, "I'm happy with my life."

"Me too." Bart agrees.

"You should probably help him. I can't believe a three year old can run that fast."

"It's like he's part Flash!" Bart exclaims, zooming across the living room. Kon yells, "That's all I need!"

Bart runs down the stairs with their son yelling, "Flashes are awesome, bitch! YAYYY!"

````````````````````````  
Late that night, after a lot of general loudness, not really necessary violence, and unreasonable amounts of damage to property, Tim curls up between Bart and Kon satisfied with the world. Three drug dealers, two pimps, a child abuser, and some guy who kept trying to bite eight year old girls are all in jail. Tim strokes Kon's chest as they kiss, arching his back under Bart's questing hands.

Tim gasps against Kon's mouth as Bart pushes inside him, whimpering before Kon licks his way back into Tim's open mouth. Bart moves with both of them, slowly pushing in and out, holding tight to Tim's hips, as Tim pushes back against him, and grips at Kon's arms. Kon moves down to Tim's neck, whispering, "I'll have you when he's done," and sliding his thumb inside Tim in time with Bart's thrusts. Bart stutters out, "Kon, oh god, Kon," as Kon lets his aura slide over all of them before he wraps his hand around Tim's dick, and focuses his energy along Tim's taunt thighs, and his ass, and where Bart is joined with him.

Bart whimpers and clutches at Kon's hands as Kon says, "Vibrate for me, honey, come on," and Tim shoves his hand over his mouth so he can't scream when Bart shakes behind him, and his whole body moves against and inside Tim. Kon pries his hand off, and says, "No, you don't have to be quiet with us, yell for me, and he strokes his hand faster on Tim's dick, as Bart pushes against him faster. Tim cries out against Kon's shoulder as he comes all over the sheets and Kon's hand, focusing on Kon's unyielding stare as Bart pushes hard into him, chanting too fast for Tim to follow his words, as Kon watches and says, "Next time, we'll both fuck you, just shove inside your tight ass, and make you cry out over and over for us as you beg for it," and Bart cries out as he slams into Tim one last time, leaving bruises on his hips.

Tim mutters, "You're not doing that," as Kon helps Bart pull away. Kon pushes Tim on his back, spreading his thighs, and says, "We'll see, baby," as he pushes inside. Tim manages to huff out, "No seeing," as Kon laughs and says, "I love when you're open and ready for me," against Tim's mouth. Kon thrusts into Tim steadily, rubbing against all the nice places inside him, until Bart says, "Turn him around so he can suck me," and Tim whites out.

When he opens his eyes again, Bart says, "You know, I do appreciate how much you like that idea, but I really wish we could do at least one time before you come all over the place at the mere suggestion."

Tim chooses to pass out across the bed instead of dignify that preposterous statement with a response.

"Dammit!" Bart calls out. "Can we try it where I'm in the middle?"

Kon says, "Yeah, right, like I want to listen to Tim's bitching."

"It's not right the human in this relationship runs everything, you know! We're both crazy powerful and shit."

"Right on." Kon agrees. "I can bench press a house."

Tim opens one eye and hisses, "Both of you shut the hell up or I'm going to go sleep with my brothers for a week."

Kon philosophically replies, "Well, then you'll definitely get double dicked," and Bart falls off the bed as Tim hits Conner with a pillow and threatens to make dildo copies of Kon's penis and shove two of them up his ass.

"You can make a dildo of your penis? How do you do that? Is it expensive?"

"Oh god, why am I living with you?" Tim moans. "I could be in a huge mansion with a butler, and um, oh right."

"Because I have a penis worth making a dildo out of." Kon adds. "Also that."

Tim looks at him for a long minute, and says, "That's true, that's the only thing I like about you," and scrambles out of bed when Kon grabs at him, falling on Bart, who yelps. They end up racing around the room until Jason yells, "MOTHERFUCKERS I CAN HEAR YOU! DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE!" and Kon dumps Bart, then Tim on the bed.

"Alright, sleep now," Kon proclaims, heaving himself on both of them.

"I like your ass too," Tim says.

"Shut the fuck up, Timothy Jackson, and go to sleep."

BONUS SCENE. ALITA pointed it was only logical that there be Halloween shenanigans with them fucking in their ST uniforms. I, uh, didn't do that:

Tim smooths down his blue shirt carefully. Wrinkles are not logical. Kon looks pretty good in the gold shirt that clings to his arms and chest. Bart is practicing his random Southern phrases, and making fun of Tim's ears. They couldn't figure out a way to make Tim's blood green, but he did add a slight greenish tint under his make-up to give it that hint of copper blood.

Kon says, "So which one was Kirk actually dating?"

"Spock." Tim says. "They're Th'y'la."

"Bones." Bart counters. "Or maybe Bones just had a huge crush on him and that's why he gave Spock shit constantly."

"Or maybe he's fucking both and that's why you guys picked this idea." Kon says.

Tim and Bart both grin at him, and Kon says, "Awesome. What's a thigh-la?"

"It means a lot of things, but basically a soulmate. Closer than brothers, or lovers."

Kon nods. "That's cool." He smiles at Tim, and asks, "Do you speak Vulcan then? Vulcanese?"

"There isn't a Vulcan language exactly. Just random words and phrases."

"What about Klingon?"

"No."

"What kind of a geek are you?"

"One that doesn't speak Klingon. Or Elvish." Tim says, "They're basically useless."

"Can you do the hand thing?"

Tim holds up his hand and intones in an expressionless voice, "Dif-Tor Heh Smusma."

"I don't know if I'm turned on or afraid but the ears are hot."

"I could be making it up."

"But you aren't."

"No, I'm not." Tim agrees. He smooths Kon's shirt over his shoulders, and asks, "Will that be all, Captain?"

"I'm feeling a sudden urge to visit my quarters, Spock. If you'll accompany me."

Bart says, "After the trick-or-treaters are gone! And Vulcans kiss with their fingers, both of you stop that."

Tim raises an exagerated eyebrow at him, and Bart quickly adds, "Especially you, you pointy eared bastard!" as he drags Tim away from Kon, adding, "Plus! I got you a present for Halloween so you have to come unwrap it!"

"Why did you get me a present for Halloween?" Tim asks as he follows Bart into their room with Kon trailing after them saying, "I want a present."

"You get tricks!" Bart says loudly, as he hands a box over to Tim, who runs his hands over it and studies it carefully.

"Oh, none of that crap," Kon says, and snatches the box out of Tim's hands, and rips the paper off it as Tim rolls his eyes. Then Tim says, "Oh! Is that a Cocoon bag? Bart!" Tim grins like crazy and pulls it out of Kon's hands and unzips it to look at the grid inside, and he says, "This is so perfect, thank you."

Kon frowns as Bart stands next to Tim, and Bart starts bringing over Tim's phone, and laptop, and ipod, and cords, and tablet, and they argue over how to arrange them, with evident glee as Kon says, in a highly indignant tone, "You don't look at me like that!"

Bart and Tim's heads both come up, and they stare at Kon for a long moment before Tim looks at Bart, who shakes his head. Tim puts the bag on the floor, and they both jump on Kon, who falls on the floor, and holds on to them tightly.

"You're still our favorite toy ever."

"Good." Kon replies. "No upgrades on this model. Well, until I get more super-powers."

Bart closes his eyes, and leans his head on Kon's shoulder, and Tim smiles the one very special smile that only Kon and Bart ever get to see, and the moment lasts until Bart says, "HEY WAS THAT THE DOOR!" right in Kon's ear, and vanishes into the living room yelling, "HAPPY HALLOWEEN!"

"Ow!" Kon yelps. He looks at Tim, who is quietly laughing at him, and he says, "Sorry, I don't have a present for you, baby."

"I'm sure you'll think of something to give me before the night is over." Tim replies dryly. Kon grins hugely, and says, "Oh hey, I can give you that right now," as Bart dashes into the room and yells, "GET OUT HERE AND GIVE CANDY TO THE CHILDRENS! AND FIND MY TRICORDER! RIGHT NOW SUPERHO!"

"Do you ever get the feeling he could beat me up?" Kon asks.

Tim offers Kon a hand, and says, "I can beat you up, Kon."

"No, you can't."

"Yes, I can."

Kon eyes Tim who stares back at him flatly, and when the next batch of kids ring the bell, Kon opens the door, gives them all candy, and says, "Hey, who would win in a fight, Robin or Superboy," and all the kids say, "ROBIN! Robin would kick his ass!"

"Fucking Gotham." Kon curses, as Bart laughs and waves after the kids running down the hallway.

"My dad can beat up your dad." Tim says, smiling.

"Shut up."

"Yeah, well, my grandpa can beat both of their asses! And you didn't find my tricorder!" Bart says as he points at their bedroom.

"Stop teaching Bart to be mean!"

Tim shakes his head. "I didn't do that." Then he adds, "Batman took out the Flash."

"Batman took out Wally," Bart replies in a scary, scary tone. Kon and Tim both look at him, and he points to the bedroom, and Kon flees.

"Bart?" Tim starts, and Bart says, "Am I being mean enough for Bones or not? Was he more yell-y?"

"I think you're good." Tim says, and immediately opens the door to greet another batch of children, who are all dressed like super-heroes. The very last one is a tiny Robin, and he gives the that kid three times as much candy as the others and leans down to say, "You know Robin is the coolest, right?" The kid nods, and says, "He's my hero." Tim gives him a little plastic bat-a-rang and says, "Use it wisely, Robin."

When Tim looks up, Dick, Jason, and Bruce are standing in the hallway, and Jason says, "Kick some ass, Robin."

They all watch the kid careen down the hall to his mother, waving the toy at her, and yelling, "I'M ROBIN!" with his little cape flapping behind him.

Bruce opens his mouth to say something, but Jason says, "Shut up, Bruce."

Kon comes out of the bedroom to say, "Hey, is this your tricorder or some weird sex toy...um, hi Batman."


End file.
